7 months ago

Me: How do i know if this if for real?

You: I cant be sure that this is real.. But i know how i feel about u is real. If i only had one last meal and if u were hungry, I'd give it to u.



Then you gave me the best days of my life.
Now I'm here. 7 months later. Happy. Still very much delusional.

Lots

Me: baby

You: yes?

Me: i love u

You: i love u too

Me: hw much ?

You: lots

You: 1 lot

You: 2 lot

You: 3 lots

You: 4 lots

Day what-the-fuck

Diet is going on well. Yeay! I lost weight...
Gonna keep to this healthy eating...
I feel great...
Much love!

When you say goodbye, I'll just die once again

This one is for u guys. *hugs*
Hang in there...


We give ourselves up. We open our hearts to complete strangers and we give everything. With hope that one day all the warmth and feelings we so unselfishly gave will one day be returned. It was just one of those things where the stakes are high- sometimes it is forever, sometimes it is goodbye. Just when we think we have everything figured out- reality strikes. It hits us hard- right in between the eyes. The next thing you know it's all over. Months, years, decades of trust and companionship- gone.
Then there are those days when everything is just so perfect; only to wake up and find that all hope is lost. The love we had lost was in fact, never really ours to begin with. Some bundle up the disappointment and hurt and leave it behind. While others wallow in their hurt as happiness eludes their heart.
So why is it that we all search for this one thing that will slowly but surely rob us of our happiness? With hurt so excruciating it feels as if life has lost it's meaning. Such is a feeling so easily mistaken by lust and kindness. So how do we know it is for real? A question many philosophers, poets and bards have tried for centuries to answer. I believe that when you would do anything just to see the other person smile- it's real. I believe that when you feel their pain- it's real.
Love- a feeling so fragile that it is promised to no one. When it comes and leaves you picking up the pieces of your heart- take it as a blessing. You loved with all your heart and most importantly, you were loved.

Day 1

Yesterday was a fucken struggle I tell you. At 10pm I suddenly has this urge to eat.
Oh, I held it in and slept it off. To be really honest, I was near to tears.
Something like a It's-okay-tomorrow-you're-gonna-diet kinda craving.
I am tired. Sick and fucken tired. I'm am tired of hearing "Beth! You gained weight huh?" followed by a sympathetic "Don't worry! You'll loose it. Eventually."
Yeah. Eventually.
So yes, this is Day 1 of Beth's stuggle to diet.

Mum just came back from grocery shopping.
There's a big ass banana cake sitting on the kitchen counter at this very moment.
And ice cream in the fridge.

Menu for the day
Salad ... with barely a teaspoon of dressing.
Steamed fish that tasted like fucken cow dunk
Water

hmmm.. what shall I steam for dinner?

Beth gone bonkers

Could you possibly recreate perfection?

I don't want to try.
It's never going to be good enough.
Not even close.
I can't even begin to explain.
I don't know how.
You are so perfect.
Every single second...
Perfect.

Shadow

It's a waste of time, waste of emotions
Leave me
Leave me be
I don't hope for things to change
I want it to stop.
Stop haunting my every breath
But I look and you're there.
You shadow my every step
I can't erase these painful memories
It eats me up
I can feel it inside me
And then I turn to see your shadow
Your shadow
I can't touch your shadow
Everytime I try to shut you out
You come creeping back to me
Like the shadow of my shadow
You haunt my every breath
I look and you're there.
You shadow my every step
I run- only to find you right behind me

How many days?

It was a good week. No, it was a great week.

Me: Right now, I am lacking 36 hours of sleep.
You look at me funny.
Me: With every session, I need 12 hours of sleep.
You: So much?
Me: Yes!
You: How you gonna stand 2 weeks then?
Me: Hmmm... I'll just sleep for 4 weeks or so.

I have a bad stick. You have bad balls.

Outing was fun!
Gawd I missed you guys. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.
Must do this sometime soon eh?
Much love guys!