Marry me

I know it's pretty depressing when you come here for some updates, or in Jilly's words.. more great reads.. and u see me emo-ing.
So here I am. Not so emo. It's 10 am and I have ONE class at 4. Of all classes LAN.
That's says it all, now doesn' it?

I found... after reading random blogs ... mostly married women... that I don't think I should get married. Wait, no. Let me rephrase that.
I want to get married, but I really think I shouldn't.
Funny, so random huh?
This is as random as it gets.
Well see the thing is, almost every single person.. at some point of their life has actually thought about how their wedding dress is going to look like, how many kids they'll be blessed with.. and then followed by thoughts of "what if" .. What if the flame will eventually die out? and what if I'm no longer tight after a hundred and one kids? What if he/she doesn't love me anymore?
Forgive me for saying this, but I am so pro divorce.
Sounds horrible. I know.
But I really think you're better off alone than to not love each other anymore but neither walks out because of that promise you made at the altar.
Oh gawd I am bitter about this.
Some stick at it cause of the kids. But if you really think of it, what the fucks? So you'd rather have them watch you fight and argue and have this completely love-less bond?
Then that love-less bond you share will be thrown on their heads when they're old enough to fall in love and then they have this phobia of falling in love because.. Well you're love was..
fucked up.
There were times in my life that I wished my mum would just leave.
I witnessed the devil out of both mum and dad when I was growing up and to be really honest, come to think of it, alot of that has to do with me now.
For those who know me, you know... I am pretty fucked up.
Didn't help that I have a string of very .. hm.. what shall I call it? Fucked up. Yes.. Fucked up relationships.
It didn't help that the ones I loved the most fucked me over.
And then the cherry on top of my cake. Daddy's cheating escapade.
You see how bitter I am?
That's the reason why I shouldn't promise anyone forever.
It's not about fucking myself up. I am already fucked up.
It's that thought that I am going to fuck someone elses life.
And that, I could never live with.

This one is for the one I love.

What exactly is the right thing to do?
I can't hurt you, well I shouldn't hurt you because I don't deserve you to begin with.
But I can't walk away.
I'm not afraid to walk away, I've been walking away all my life.
I'm afraid because I love you, I really do.
This time, walking away would mean leaving my heart behind.
Why don't you just kill me?
I'm a mess. You're in love with a confused mess.
I'll figure this out.
Maybe I'll finally be worth your time. Worth you loving me.

I am mad. Yes I am.

Once last kiss before I go?
*beth is emo-ing*
I can do this... I've done it before.
I've been doing it for as long as I can remember.
In case you were wondering, I am mad. Mad about you.

The two things I miss the most

Dancing like I've gone whack and the beach.

Break free

Sometimes when I'm around you, I want to break free...
I want to love you.
I want to hold you.

Then I look around.
All these eyes, watching our every move.

Sometimes, i just want to break all norm.
I want to go crazy and love you- because loving you is all I know.

The waiting game

From the littlest things
and the pain that it brings
down to the things you miss the most
but you won't let yourself go
No you won't let yourself
Cause time and time again
You feel that road a little more
But if you let yourself go
Then we won't hit that road
Cause I cant see the sky
But its yours to be seen
if you could be with someone else
If you can let yourself go
If you can let yourself
But is this the time
Is this the place?
And "is this the end?" is all I can say
I promise I never meant to turn you away
But why did you trust me with you heart?
So consider the things
and the pain that it brings
Down to the things you miss the most
And if you let yourself go
the next thing you know
Cuz I have seen this guy
He's looking at me
Yeah and he thinks there's something else
So you can walk yourself home
Yeah you can go
Even though, you waited,
I know that you can begin on your own,
you can begin on your own...
But is this the time
Is this the place?
And "is this the end?" is all I can say
I promise I never meant to turn you away
But why did you trust me with your heart?
I promise I never meant to turn you away,
But why did you trust me with your heart?

Hapus Aku

Ku tuliskan kesedihan
Semua tak bisa kau ungkapkan
Dan kita kan bicara
dengan hatiku

Buang semua puisi
Antara kita berdua
Kau bunuh dia sesuatu
Yang ku sebut itu cinta

Chorus:
Yakinkan aku Tuhan
Dia bukan milikku
Biarkan waktu waktu
Hapus aku…

Sadarkan aku Tuhan
Dia bukan milikku
Biarkan waktu waktu
Hapus aku…

Everytime i see u

You don't know this, but everytime I see you, it fucks me up.

Nostalgia

a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return of some past period or someone

I miss you.

I feel so fucking empty all of a bloody sudden.

Charlene is leaving for Hanoi today for a study excursion.

I am going to miss her. Shucks. Even I must admit that.

Miss Didi.. Doesn't help that mike keeps coming up to me and saying "Didi come back.."

Patrick and Beth

This post is dedicated to Patrick my sayang..
*laughs to self*
This so so fucken random but I just thought of this conversation I was having with Bee..

*me walks to the kitchen*
Beth: Yang?
*silence*
Beth: Bubut.............
*silence*
*me walks into the hall and sees Bee looking right at me*
Beth: Why didn't you answer me?
Bee: How would I know you were calling me? You call Everyone Sayang and Bubut and Baby.. You call your dogs that la!
*beth giggles*

Jeez, that was random alright.

ANYWAYS... Back to my post...
This whole post is just to tell everyone.. that I love Patrick. Very much.

*grins*

This one is for the bastard who broke your heart

I found this on my sister's blog. I hope you find your "Hasbee" honey. *kish*
I love you. You know I do.. and after reading this very post on your blog, I think I might just rip that fuckin son of a bitch's balls out and make him eat it. Bastard.

***
Shes the one you call when youre bored because she makes you laugh. Shes the one you talk to when youre feeling down because shes willing to lend an ear and be a friend. Shes not the one you call when you need a date to your companys Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. Shes the one you spend time with between girlfriends,before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime. Shes not one of the guys, not a tomboy,but you dont look at her as a "real" woman, either.
Shes not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. Shes too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things yourmale buddies are amused by. Shes too understanding, too comfortable she doesnt make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But shes cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when youre lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, shell do just fine.
You dont have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you dont have any facades to keep up, nopretenses to preserve. Youre not trying to get anything of substance out of her.Shes not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you,and that shell give you the intimacy you need. And you know you dont have to explain yourself or the situation, that shell be able to cope with the fact that this isnt the beginning of a relationship or that theres any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It wont bother her that youll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye,and go on a date with the woman youve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. Shell settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went.
Shes just so cool . . . why cant all women be like that?! But deep down, if you really think aboutit (which you probably dont because to you, the situation between the two of you isnt important enough to merit any real thought), you know that its really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you dont think shes good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, its mostly her fault, because she doesnt have to give in toy our needs she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldnt pull it off. Maybe shes too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell.
Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. She doesnt captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. Shes safe. She doesnt want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wantsto turn someones head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. Infact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman youve ever known because shes had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.
She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although youve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. Anyway, yeah. Im a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I dont know the reason, really, and at this point I dont even care. I just want to let every guy know whos ever had the good fortune to have a MeantimeGirl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we wont bearound.

***

This one is for that fucking dickhead you call your ex boyfriend. I hope he suffers a lifetime of bad relationships. Then maybe he'll look back and wonder to himself why he was so stupid. Why he was so retarded that he couldn't see what the fuck he was doing. And when he does look back. I hope you're no longer there for him. Because he doesn't fucking deserve you. He never did.

Giddy-head girlfriend

I am surprisingly very happy being 18 and all..
I had this big plan to wake up, go jogging.. You know, one of those fruitful kinda days.
Woke up and it was raining.. *pouts*
Instead I spent some quality time with Max and Brandy. And managed to do some catching up with an old friend.
Spoke with Mr Red Boxers online aka my ex bestfriend.
It certainly wasn't the best conversation ever but it sure did give me enough to work on the final touches of my closure.
Good timing ey? Seeing that I feel so grown up.
Still quite dazed and giddy-head over Hasbee singing. Oh well, give me a year or two to get over it .
Like the new bloggie look?
Me likes.

So far, there is no sign of my dear old friend depression this year.. and no strange secondary malaise regarding the absence of it.

I might actually be happy, this I must admit.

*smiles to self*

I like it when you smile

Note to Jilly: so much for the "many" pictures ey? Couldn't find any worthy of me posting. *giggles*

I have been quite sick. No. I have been very sick since Saturday.
Down with a really bad cough and fever.
This one is a little late but what the heck!
For the suprise filled with love...
I wanna thank Chelle and Jilly for the effort. I love you very much.
Thank you Loganie... Benita... Becca.. Amman... Marxsha and Fu Chao... Yoon... Rizal and Yana... Thank you Aki and Yanti.. (gawd I was so touched)
"Beth's Birthday Band" (this one I will never ever forget)
Thank you Acap and Azan... you don't even know me but still helped out!
Thank you to Boy .. this one is from Hasbee and myself *grins*
Thank you to all who came...

Most importantly, thank you yang...
Baby sayang lai! :P

I love you very much.



Note: If you are about to go on stage to sing for your gorgeous girlfriend, it is important to...
1. get slightly tipsy
2. bring the lyrics (you will get nervous with someone so gorgeous lookin at ya)
3. close eyes (not lookin at her helps with the butterflies in stomach)
4. know that she loves u the same.. even if you didn't get on stage and sing Lovesong .. she's just be really touched and this my friend will be a great especially if you are spending the night at her place. (omg, did i just say that?) :P

Accident

When I look at you, I know that you didn’t come into my life by accident. I know you were meant to be here. To serve some kind of purpose.. I feel it every time you touch me. It’s a sort of certainty that every second you spend with me is going to affect my life in some profound way.