I won't be blogging for a while.
I just don't feel like it.

***

I want to turn back time.

Pablo Neruda

I don't love you as if you were a rose of salt,

topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:

I love you as one loves certain dark things,

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you without knowing how,

or when,

or from where.

I love you straightforwardly,

without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way.

Yes, I know you're back

My old friend depression is back.
I'm not going to bore you with details.
It's not like you care.

I don't know who I am

Somedays, it's better to just sit home and cry your heart out.

I want this- minus the flowers

My side of the story

Yes, it did go down like this..

Beth: Hm...X OIC (Beth: Hm...X OIC (some fucken number). What's the X for?
Jilly: X is...a 5 right? Eh wait, no...a 10. Yeah...10.
Beth: Yeah, it's a 10. But why does the car plate have an X? What's the X?
Jilly: ....I just said it, it's a 10.
Beth: I'll kill you, Jill....what does the X stand for? What state is X?
Sammy: What X are you talking about?
Jilly: Kill me?!? I'm serious! It's a 10! Stands for the 10th OIC...that Islamic Conference...?
Beth: ...OH! Oh God! o.O
*Jilly starts laughing like an idiot*
Sammy: Huh? What X? What's the X for?
*Jilly explains the X to Sammy again*
Sammy: Oh....but why would people want to buy that??
Jilly:...*shrugs* To make 'em seem like some hotshot delegate or something...?

*curik-ed from mycomfysneakers.blogspot.com*

I have this thing with number plates... I seem to notice them.
I kinda had all the states figured out till i saw that X OIC (somefucknumberbehind)
Then I got curious, this curiosity is thanks to an ex boyfriend actually...A long, long time ago.. He explained to me about number plates and their prices and yeah..
Since then, I've been obsessed.

Quite embarassed actually, can't believe I told Jilly I was gonna kill her.
*giggles*
Can't believe I got all frustrated when she kept saying "10, it stands for 10".
I love you Jilly. You know I do.
I love you Sammy, you're so cute when you're all blurr.

Laughter is the best medicine

Borrow my smile

I find that I need to borrow your smile, for I seem to have lost mine.

The post below

For those of you that were wondering, yes, I do speak like that in person.
I throw a bunch of "fucks" in my sentences when I feel like it.

For those of you who know me, I bet you can hear me saying all those things.
Much love.

Dear Lecturer

Dear Lecturer/Sir/Dude,

I’ll make this short. If you’re gonna lecture us Adp-ians for LAN, it is important to know that :
1. We can’t transfer the fucken subject
2. Which means you’re wasting our time
3. But we come anyway because it’s compulsory
4. And we come although we have better things to do at 4-6pm. Seriously.
5. Most of us (hope this is nt an over generalisation) speak good English, which means, you have to speak good English. No, you have to speak English. Period.

If you were smart, you’d take attendance. Because you make us (the people who go for class) look like a bunch of fuckers. And once you make us look like a bunch of fucken retards, we don’t go to class anymore. Think about it. It’s very logical.
I have the same attendance as some guy who hasn’t even stepped in to LAN even once.

So be smart. Go for a couple of English classes. Bring a dictionary. Look up the word impossible while you’re at it. Seeing that you seem to be confused with the meaning of the word.

Sigh.

Oh and more more thing. Use the fucken microphone will you?
You have a class or what 200 students?
We can’t hear you from the back of the fucken auditorium.

Regards,
Beth

How to mend a broken heart

Well yeah, it's true that no one ever died of a broken heart.
But when you're suffering from it, it sure doesn't feel that way now does it?
So you repeat a helpful mantra like "I'll live through this" or "I'll make it" or "This too shall pass" and you hope to God that you do make it and that it will pass.
I've written about a million letters to you and never did mail a single one of them.
It helps with that urge to pick up the phone and cry my heart out repeating the same line of "I wish you never did what you did" over and over and over again.
Writing helps alot. Crying helps alot more.

So here I am- writing and crying.

Everyone falls every now and then.
We all pick ourselves up. Eventually.
I'm just taking longer I guess.

I never meant for you to hurt me. In fact, I don't think I deserved you hurting me.
I really did love you.

No, I really do love you Daddy.
Sucks that I do.

I swear I love you

I shamelessly stole the lyrics of Lifehouse in the post before, and I'm going to do it again.
They're singing the same tune as my soul right now..
I do love you, I swear I love you.
Can't possibly have you turn away from me again.
It's like breaking up, just a million times worst.
Don’t be surprised if I collapse at your feet, if this ever happens again...
If I fuck up. Again.

***
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
and take a breath and hold on tight spin around one more time
and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace
cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't want to speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing
is where I wanna be yeah
I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm
trying to identify the voices in my head
God which one's you
let me feel one more time what it
feels like to feel and
break these calluses off of me
one more time
cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't wanna speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside your door
and listen to your breathing
is where I wanna be yeah
where I wanna be
I don't want a thing from you
bet you're tired of me
waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
cause I just want to be here now
cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't wanna speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to your breathing
is where I wanna be

This one is for you, My Virgo

find me here and speak to me, I want to feel you I need to hear you
you are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace again
you are the strength that keeps me walking
you are the hope that keeps me trusting you are the life to my soul you are my purpose you're everything
and how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
would you tell me how could it be any better than this
you calm the storms and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now
and how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
would you tell me how could it be any better than this
and how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you would you tell me how could it be any better than this
cause you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything
you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

Aha

"what's a great post without great pictures?"

My better half

It's officially 1 year.
I made it.
This one was a tough one, we almost called it quits a couple of times, cried in public a couple of times (if I recall, just once for you yang), said hurtful-break-up-sorta lines to each other, and yeah... got real bitchy.
But we're here aren't we?

Beth: Jilly, 1 years don't come very often for me. Usually it all falls apart before the one year. This is is. Either we make it, or break it.
Jilly: Dating theory?
Beth: Yeah...

Let's make this one worth the heartache and tears shall we?
I love you, very much.
This one is for you Hasbee, my better half.

Smile for me

I can't quite remember why was it I had a thing for you.
Maybe it was your bad boy act.
Maybe it was how you used to smile when you saw me.
Maybe it was how you introduced your little cousins to me and for that few minutes.. You looked.. nice.
Maybe it was how you held your brothers hand on the way out of church.
Maybe it was how you used to come up to me and smell my hair.
I don't know.

Loosing someone is ... complicated.

Loosing someone who used to make me smile, kills me.

I haven't seen you in years. And yet. It hurts.
I couldn't go for your funeral. I couldn't see you.
I want to block this event out of my life.
I want to pretend like I never knew an Arnold Raj.
Or better..
I want to pretend like you're still here, smiling back at me.