I am bruised but not broken

I’m not running from you.
Look at these eyes, all that I’ve wanted was you.
Now, the question is..
Do you want me?

***

Ah! Being so busy never felt so damn good. I think I’ve been quite bored lately. No, I know I’ve been quite bored.
I was thinking right, to a certain extent.. I’m one of those people who work well with stress. I’ve been handling it pretty well lately.

Somehow when I inhale that smoke, or drink ..
I am weirdly reminded of every break up that came hand-in-hand with ciggies and alcohol.
I am reminded of how much it hurt.
Ah.. I have matured perhaps?
I don’t need em anymore.
I’ve come to that “point in life” perhaps? The point of realisation that I am stronger than I thought I was.
I’ve come to that point…
Sober-ness.
I know exactly where I’m going and what I’m doing.
It feels…
Good.

I’ve been far to confused for far too long.
I love me.
I owe this to myself.

***

Besides all the soul-searching I’ve been doing, I have decided to work at it.
I haven’t been trying…
Well, not hard as I would have before.
Maybe that bitter Beth didn’t allow me to give it a proper shot.
I’ve done this a million times.
I’ve walked in and out with my dignity intact.
I can do this.

There is this part of me..
This part of me that I owe this to.
The part that picked me up over and over and over again every time I got myself hurt.
This is the part that allows me to fall in love over and over again.
This is the part of me that is anything but bitter.
This is the part of me that everyone loves.

***

I found peace when I was confused.
I found hope when I was let down.
Not in me, but in you.

Maybe tomorrow I will drink to confessions that beg no forgiveness…

I'm fine for now.

Wet tissues- that's how I'll always remember him

I should hold.

Hold.

Tight.

Or I could get pissed drunk and suicidal, then stand in the middle of a busy highway and exhale my last breath.

But yeah.

Keep Holding on.

Beth.
Hold.
On.

Of rottweilers, pissing and monkey corpses

Not so mini feeds?

This is Jien... waiting for the interview


This is me.. waiting for the interview

This is us.. waitinf for the interview

This is Jien.. Don't ask me what he's doing.

Us- the very lost tourist

Us- Jien, Marxsha, Jilly and Me.

Us- bored

Hm..

Camwhoring.

This is how it went down...

In jiens car on the way to Jiens crib in Bangsar

Jien: You girls don't mind dogs right?

Me: I love dogs!

Jilly: Yeah

Jien: Okay good, because I have 3 rottweilers..

Me: Oh fuck. Shit. Omg.

Jilly: ...

Jien: They're like guard dogs so don't make any sudden movements okay?

Me: I'm going to piss in my pants la.

Jilly: I know.

Jien: They're in the house by the way.

*Jien opens his car door*

Me: Jien! Can we just stay in the car?

Jien: Don't be silly. Just don't make any sudden movements. And don't be scared, cause then they'll know you're scared.

I got out the car with my heart pounding so fucken loudly and with my piss filled bladder and there they were..

Em rottweilers..

***

At batu caves...

Marxsha: Why couldn't we just go to some temple nearby to shoot this documentary? Why all the way here?

Jien: Maybe if he sees our effort, he'll give us full marks.

Me: He better

Shooting the documentary...

Jien: Okay shoot that man! zoom into his ass.. yes that sexy ass..

Jilly: Err.. Which man!?

Jien: The one without the shirt.

Jilly: *sigh* okay...

***

Jien: K, k, we have to welcome our viewers to Batu caves.

*jilly films Jien*

Jien: Welcome to batu Caves..

Me: Eh what's that smell?

Jien: Look! Monkey corpses.. That is the ancient corpse rolling tradition..

Jilly: Looks like human corpses la..

Jien: That big sack.. Must be a fat man.

*err.. Cut?*

walking up

Me: these steps are steep as fuck la.

Marxsha: Don't say fuck here.

Me: Oh fuck. Sorry.

***

Jien: Okay okay, take pics on us walking up the stairs..

Jilly: Here?

Jien: Come here abit.

Jilly: Here?

Jien: Higher up..

Jilly: NOW!?

Jien: K .. k..

*silence*

Jien: Eh, what's that?

Me: I don't know..

Jien: Er..

*Jilly snaps pix*

Damn, I can't remember much.. Should have blogged yest!

Argh... When Jilly updates her Batu Caves expedition..

I'll add stuff aight?

Yes, white roses please

Maybe in some distorted way, we were meant to fuck up and allow ourselves to be fucked up in return.

Over and over and over and over again.

Then we finally find "the one". And all falls into place?

Highly unlikely for someone who has been fucked over a million times.
But think about it, maybe...

We were meant to fuck up and get fucked up to appreciate what we have.
And in this case, when "the one" comes along,

we appreciate them.

Love them.

Cherish them.

Hold on to them.

So is it safe for me to say that only when we appreciate that one person, that person is "the one".

Fuck.

Does that mean I am not the one?

I don't know.

But I know I like white roses, not red.

I like cheese cake, not chocolate.

I know you are the one for me, but am I the one for you?

Could fate be so cruel to offer me the loosing end- again?