I don't know what's wrong with me.
The thing is, I don't quite know why I just fell apart last night.
All of a sudden, this facade of strength that I've put up came crumbing down on me.
But it felt good.
Crying myself to sleep. My mask was off and I actually felt relieved.
It takes a toll. Pretending you're alright.
Pretending like you're sincerely laughing at the stupid jokes when in fact you just want to run out of the room screaming.
I am very good in pretending.
I pretend that I am still Daddys little girl.
Because the truth is, I cannot face the reality of things.
So I pretend.
I pretend like you are not hurting me.
I pretend like I'm fine with being alone.
I pretend like I am used to being disappointed.
But the truth is, I never got the hang of being let down.
I don't know how is it that I'm supposed to be okay with being hurt.
I have lost faith.
In you. In me. In Daddy. In everyone.
Maybe I don't want to hope.
Maybe it will hurt less if I expect you to hurt me.
Maybe you really do want to hurt me.
I don't know if or how I will get through this.
I turned to you yesterday and you let me down.
Again.
***
I am slowly starting to forget why I ever did love you.
Maybe that's what you want.
Well if it is what you want, obviously you're right on track.
