What I want is to think of you.
It bothers me that for once, I cannot do anything about what is going on.
It bothers me that when I see you, I cannot tell you how I feel.
Merely because, well... I forget when I'm around you.
Maybe I make myself forget.
I imagine myself as your savior sometimes. But the reality is that I am just Beth.
I am not your savior. I am nothing.
I am a disillusioned 18 year old girl who is nothing close to a rocker or someone who you'd proudly parade around.
I lived this dream for too long.
I imagine you holding me and telling me i”m beautiful and calling me a stupid pet nicknames. Holding me close to your skin and singing me a song. Telling me i'm your muse. I want to be your muse. The one you can’t live without.
But these are just fantasies.
Things I want to happen or pretend will happen or are happening.
When I cook something, I talk a loud like you’re there.
When I crawl into bed, I do it softly so that I don’t wake you as if you are there.
You’re not here and won’t be anytime soon.
I don’t know what’s happening with us but I fear it’s me and I want to change me but I don’t know where to begin.
If this is the end, I want to at least say goodbye.
I rambled on and I probably shouldn’t have.
But I wanted to apologize sincerely.
I’m sorry isn’t cutting it.
I am scared right now. Scared of losing you. Of you losing me.
We haven’t talked in a while and then we do and I ruin things.
He was in a happy mood and I wasn’t.
He had a bad day and he took it out on me, I guess.
I think something is wrong with me. Something really wrong. Throwing up in your sleep wrong.
Of course neither of us was in a good mood when we talked.
He was upset with me when we last talked.
Then he hung up.
I’m supposed to be fine with this. I’m supposed to play cool while we live separate lives.
I have to. I don’t want to upset him. I want him to be happy.
But I always bring him down.
I bring you down.
I can’t keep doing this to him.
We can't keep doing this to each other.
Come here.
Love me.
