Go on

Do I have to loose everything just to find you?

There is no word created for how I feel right now

I am having a great day.

REALLY.

First and foremost, you are looking at the new intern for :

It's a mix of a million different feelings for me right now.

At this very second I am feeling..

Grateful.

Blessed.

Happy.

Estatic.

Lucky.

Emotional?

See the thing is, I never wanted something so bad.

I never usually do because well... next to loneliness, dissapointment is in fact my greatest fear.

But it worked out.

I guess that saying, "some things are too good to be true" does not apply here.

I am not expecting this to be an easy ride but frankly, I don't care.

The good things in life has to be earned :)

***

I am a proud owner of a kitten! :) He's (i think it's a he) well, adorable!
This is tiger...


See the funky wild cat design ?

Tiger spent all day sleeping on my lap.

Comelness kan?

But bathing him was a bloody nightmare la.

I spent 1 whole hour bathing him.

Out of that 1 hour, 40 minutes I spent chasing him around.

Madness I tell you.

Yah, more sweat dripping!

No, I am not asking you to stare at my tits.

See the sweat dripping from every pore in my body?

That's the result of bathing the brat!

This is tiger, squeaky clean!

All these things in my head...

Thanks for all you've done

I've missed you for so long,I can't believe your gone

You still live in me,

I feel you in the wind,

You guide me constantly

I never knew what it was to be alone no,

Because you were always their for me,

You were always waiting.

Now I come home and I miss your face so,

Smiling down on me,

I close my eyes to see and I know

You're a part of me, and its your song

That sets me free

I sing it wild

I feel I cant hold on

I sing tonight

Because it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you,

In loving memory of,

The one that was so true

You were as kind as you could be,

And even though you're gone,

You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone no,

Because you were always their for me,

You were always waiting.

But now I come home and its not the same no,

Feels empty and alone,

I can't believe you're gone

And I know

You're a part of me, and its your song

That sets me free

I sing it wild

I feel I cant hold on

I sing tonight

Because it comforts me

I'm glad it set you free from sorrow,

I'll still love you more tomorrow,

And you'll be here with me still.

All you did, you did with feeling,

And you always found the meaning,

And you always will,

And you always will,

And you always will.

And I know,

You're a part of me, and its your song

That sets me free

I sing it wild

I feel I cant hold on

I sing tonight

Because it comforts me

***

I'm listening to In Loving Memory now.

You like this song :)

I miss you.

I miss how you used to kiss my forehead.

I miss how you'd play with my fingers.

I miss how you used to love me.

Pick up the phone and call me

I'm waiting for you.
Call me.

Awake

5am and I am still awake.
I should be in bed sial. Fuck.

Beth is in a funky mood

Mmm.. I came across this retarded "problem" in one of those.. Ask-the-expert sites..
I actually thought it was quite funny.
(I am in a bitchy i-want-to-laugh-in-your-face-and-tell-you-you're-stupid mood today)
Well I laughed at her, and the advise given and then thanked my lucky stars I have never had such a thing happen to me :P
Can you bloody imagine being in bed with someone and having them look at you and out of fucking no where tell you "You don't smell la Beth. Really. You don't."
Funnyla.

He constantly reassures me that I don't smell, followed by a "I'm not very sexually experienced in bed".

He's obviously experienced enough to know how to get out of doing what he doesn't want to do. Personally I think he has a lot of experience in that area. His behavior is not good and not normal, but your feelings for him are keeping you from seeing it for what it is. Reassuring a woman that she doesn't smell does not come up in a healthy, loving relationship.

This would be the equivalent of someone writing to George Bush to assure him that he won't try to assassinate him at the conference on Tuesday... then he can also throw in, "besides, I'm not a very experienced marksman."

Now do you think GB and the Secret Service will think - Gee what a nice guy to not assassinate the president? No, they will think there is something very wrong with someone who even thinks such things.

***

On a lighter less bitchy note, I want a baby la. A really cute one. With gorgeous blond hair.
And a button nose. If she's a girl, I'd name her Keisha or Brooke.. . If he's a boy.. Keith?
I want to be a single mother. As in like go to the sperm bank and request the sperm of a really hot blond guy with blue eyes. Save me the heartache of giving my child an incompetent father. Or worst- a man whore for a father.
Lighter note, not so light after all eh.
Much love guys.

: )

Oh, say hello to my sexy white MNG suit.
*grins*
I did mention I'd post em pix up eh?
And the other sexy beside me is Jillian Grace Toyad.
She likes pretty skirts and when I feel nervous for a speech, I look at her more than anyone else in the room.
Speech is good when you have a bestie sitting in the crowd.
Well in your case Jilly, a bestie and a boyfriend :)

You're right on track.

You see, the thing is...
I don't know what's wrong with me.
The thing is, I don't quite know why I just fell apart last night.
All of a sudden, this facade of strength that I've put up came crumbing down on me.
But it felt good.
Crying myself to sleep. My mask was off and I actually felt relieved.
It takes a toll. Pretending you're alright.
Pretending like you're sincerely laughing at the stupid jokes when in fact you just want to run out of the room screaming.
I am very good in pretending.
I pretend that I am still Daddys little girl.
Because the truth is, I cannot face the reality of things.
So I pretend.
I pretend like you are not hurting me.
I pretend like I'm fine with being alone.
I pretend like I am used to being disappointed.
But the truth is, I never got the hang of being let down.
I don't know how is it that I'm supposed to be okay with being hurt.

I have lost faith.
In you. In me. In Daddy. In everyone.
Maybe I don't want to hope.
Maybe it will hurt less if I expect you to hurt me.
Maybe you really do want to hurt me.

I don't know if or how I will get through this.

I turned to you yesterday and you let me down.
Again.

***

I am slowly starting to forget why I ever did love you.
Maybe that's what you want.
Well if it is what you want, obviously you're right on track.

Mental Spring-Cleaning

I've decided that I should get over and done with my long overdue mental spring cleaning.
Yesterday, I spent my evening searching for a couple of books to kick-start my new decision (and to keep me so muthafucken busy that I'd have no time for anything else)
I ended up walking out of MPH with...



I am thinking of enrolling in French class or something. I'll see how that goes.
Maybe being single isn't going to be so bad after all.
No, let me rephrase that.
Being alone isn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.
Eventually, I won't need you anymore.

I cannot wait to know what happened to my ESPN internship application.
I have an interview tomorrow with and advertising company.
I'm supposed to bring three items that define me. (that should be interesting)
Min Ern and I joked about how we should bring a condom and say "I'm a very safe person".
Hahaha. Yes, Jillys boyfriend is a tad bit gone (like me) :)

Yesterday was an interesting day in so many ways.
Well speech class was fun as always. We were made to fill up a list of one word titles at the bigining of our class and to our horror, it was actually impromptu speech titles..
When I was chosen, I chose Min Ern and he in return chose Lulu.
The first bloody thing I said was "OMG! I hope I dont get the sex as a topic".
And all of a sudden, our little.. itch to write the topic sex didn't seem so smart anymore. Who would have thought we'd be the chosen ones? I'm not entirely sure why we didn't see this coming.
Anyways, I said alot of weird things in front of class for my 2 minute speech on the given title "Ghost".
Jesus. I recall saying something along the lines of "I'm afraid of being possessed by a ghost.. I mean.. I don't know what it would make me do while its in my body. Or worst.. What it'd do to my body!"
Hahaha. I don't know what on earth was I thinking of but obviously I wasn't really thinking.

My optimism is back guys.
I'm feeling hopeful again.
Tomorrow is going to be a better day because I just know it's going to be.
Because I want it to be?


I like it when he holds my hand.
His tiny fingers wrapped around mine makes me smile every time I see this picture.
:)

Long time coming

I'd say that this was a long time coming for me.
Maybe I needed an excuse.
No, I needed an excuse ...
This isn't a good day at all. So much for the beautiful sunshine at smiled at me this morning.
Maybe it was an awakening.

Bestfriend why don't you come back home?

I want to run back like a lost hungry puppy.
But every time I do, you make me wish I never did.

Maybe it's your way of getting over me.
Maybe you really don't want me in your life.

But it hurts more than it's supposed to..
I loved you with every ounce of my being.
You were my boyfriend..
You made me feel gorgeous and perfect and loved.
No, you were more than that.
I am not sure what is the word I am looking for...
Bestfriend? Yes. You were my bestie.
I've lost my boyfriend and bestfriend and I don't know what else to do.


I remember your mouth,
what it said,
how it kissed me,
How it whispered,
not like anyone else
And I remember your feet,
I saw them dance to the new beat
And When I asked you to,
they walked a mile in my shoes.

We were best friends,
more than best friends
That's too little again...

I remember your hands,
I heard them clap for my own chord
Felt them pull me back,
As I tried to break loose
And I remember your eyes,
How they saw right through me
And how that made me feel..
so sick and bored with myself.

We were best friends,
more than best friends
That's too little again
We were best friends,
more than best friends
thats too little again,

now I know that I loved him
and I wish I had told him
but i was too slow it was already over
yeah i was too slow it was already over.

Oxygen

Colbie Caillat, Oxygen

I came apart inside a world
Made of angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I fell over
My feet like bricks under water
And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen

Oh baby, if I was your lady
I will make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I would be your lady
I am going crazy...for you

And so I found a state of mind
Where I could be speechless
I had to try it for a while
To figure out this feeling
This felt so right
Pull me upside
Down to a place where you've been waiting
And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen

Oh baby, if I was your lady
I will make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I would be your lady
I am going crazy...for you

And you don't wanna keep me waiting
Staring at my fingers
Feeling like a fool

Oh baby, I would be your lady
I would make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I would be your lady
I am going crazy
Yeah oh woah oh oh

Tell me what you want
Baby tell me what you need
Anything I ask, baby give it to me
Baby give it to me, give it to me

I came apart inside a world
Made of angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile

***

Sometimes I think, I am merely a punching bag to you.
"Sorry" just doesn't cut it anymore.

Take this sinking boat and point it home (you’ve still got time)

See the thing is, I don’t quite understand why you seem to feel the need to make it seem like everything is alright. Like it’s going to work out. Like you still love her.
Okay, maybe you do love her.
But why give false hope?
Maybe I am a bit bitter about this because of past experience.
No doubt, those few guys that never saw the need to sugar-coat things when it came to matters of the heart.. Scarred me for life.

But the thing is, these guys are the reason I’m so strong now.
They told it the way it is. They saw no need to make life seem like a bed of roses.
Because the fact remains that it is really nothing like a bed of roses.
If they did however paint a bloody pretty picture for me, I would have fucking fell apart at the first heartbreak and I wouldn’t be sitting here smiling despite having to crawl out a 1 year relationship and face the reality of the post-break up madness. Fuck. I’m still crawling out! But the point is, I’m okay.

Now, why the hell are you trying to protect her from the truth?
The truth is, she’s there. You’re here. It isn’t going to work.
You bloody said it. Now the question is mister, what are you really afraid of?
Facing the truth?
Maybe you’re protecting yourself and you’re using her as an excuse.
Maybe you’re not as strong as you thought you were.
Maybe it’s time you face reality.

I want to have to be that person to tell you this because the truth is, it really did hurt when Mahen told me he still loved her.
The truth is, it hurt like fuck when Suresh got married.
The truth is, it hurt so bad when I couldn’t work things out with Hasbee.
It hurt even more when I realised, I cannot replace them.
There is a part of me that’s always going to be hollow.
But this is the reality of things.
The truth hurts.

Maybe that’s why I don’t want to be that person to tell you things just the way they are.
Because the truth is, I couldn’t allow someone else feel even an ounce of the pain I felt when I realised that it’s never going to be the same again.
That it wasn’t meant to be.
That it’s going to hurt for months, years, before you mend your broken heart.

He says, she says

He says:
weird.... but u exude strength that makes me attracted to u.... but at the same time show vulnerability that makes me wanna hold u and protect u from the big bad world
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
..
He says:
thats why u drive men crazy... u r like fire and ice
He says:
lethal combination
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
fire and ice?
He says:
opposites.... oxymoron
He says:
strong and weak
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
mmm
He says:
confident and lost
He says:
bitchy and nice
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
im nt bitchy
He says:
hahahaha... yeah right
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
im just honest
He says:
hahaha.... calling someone a stupid whore is just honest... not bitchy... HAHAHAHAHA
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
lol
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
who did i call a stupid whore la?
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
lol
He says:
it comes out of yr mouth consistently at random ppl
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
hahahaha
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
its probably true
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
how would u know?
He says:
comel
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
maybe they really are stupid
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
and a real whore
He says:
hahahaha... not gonna argue with u on that
He says:
u know better
B- When I Say Dance, You Dance says:
ure smart
He says:
either way... thats what makes u irresistible

***

Funnyla. Apparently I'm bitchy :)

Wake up gorgeous

I woke up this morning and I felt gorgeous.


I am getting over you.
It doesn't hurt so much anymore.

Mama, I'm flying!

It's one of those things I just can't let go of.

In the words of Chuck Prophet:
"Mama I'm flying- I can go anywhere. No other love can take me there".
***

I need to let go.
Perhaps dig deeper for a bigger set of balls :)
and a backbone while I'm at it.

Maybe then I can do something.
Finally do something.

Why do you?

Joan Armatrading
The weakness in me

I'm not the sort of person
Who falls in and quickly out of love
But to you, I give my affection right from the start
I have a lover who loves me
How could I break such a heart?
Yet still you get my attention

Why do you come here
When you know I've got troubles enough?
Why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone?
And make me lie when I don't want to
And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool?
You make me stay when I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?
Why do you come here
And pretend to be just passing by?
When I need to see you
And I need to hold you tightly

Feeling guilty
And I'm worried
And I'm waking from a tormented sleep
'Cause this old love, you know it has me bound
But this new love cuts so deep
If I choose now, I'm bound to lose out
One of you is gonna have to fall
And I need you and you

Why do you come here
When you know I've got troubles enough?
Why do you call me
When you know I can't answer the phone?
And make me lie when I don't want to
And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool?
You make me stay when I should not

Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?
Why do you come here
And pretend to be just passing by?
When I need to see you
And I need to hold you tightly...

***

Do you miss me now?
Do you?