Dance Bitch, Dance

Compliments to the gorgeous boyfriend

2008-05-16T05:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.beth.my

One bowl of sunshine

2008-05-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

Funny how I was going to blog em same thing as Jilly...

It is true, you don't fucken know how it's like.. Until you're the one standing there, feeling every ounce of whatever it is you're feeling and living em days in those shoes.

I know what they're saying...
I saw the looks on their faces...
Yes, to all the questions.

Yes I fucking want to throw myself in this again. Yes I know I am falling head first. Yes I know this is very sudden. Yes I I want to be hurt. And yes. Yes it fucking is. Yes it is worth it.

And so I offer heart out on a golden platter for you to love and hurt.

Why do we hurt the ones we love the most?

2008-05-07T18:43:00.000-07:00

It's strange, I just couldn't seem to master the courage to pick up the phone and tell you I'm in love...

I toy around with my phone.. Dial your number and stare at the phone..
I finally called you today, told you I was in love and that I wanted all my things back.

It's really hard to explain how I feel, embarassed mostly.
There was no fucking doubt that it was by far one of the most painful breakups of my life, and I was all I-am-not-going-to-fall-in-love anymore.

But if there is one thing I've learnt, nothing is certain.
I mean, look at me now.
It kinda seems like I'm so full of shit in your eyes huh?
One moment I'm all I-will-never-love-anymore and now I'm head over heels.
Maybe you were right, staying friends only makes things harder.

I think I ripped your heart out telling you I'm seeing someone.
No. I know I ripped your heart out.
Fuck.
I really feel like fucking ass right now.
I should have listened.
I should have walked away when I could.
I'm sorry I hurt you.

I should have listened.

This one is for you my rocker.

I am sorry things turned out this way...

I'm sorry our forever only lasted this long.

Smallpox

2008-04-22T20:49:00.001-07:00

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

My Result: Amorous Adventurer

Carefree and fun, you are easily excited when it comes to new experiences — and that includes relationships. It's not that you see boyfriends as frivolous pursuits, but you enjoy the art of the chase, and you work to make sure that long-term relationships maintain that sense of adventure and surprise.

You may not be the type of girlfriend who spends every waking hour with her man, but that doesn't mean you're not thinking about him. You're just an independent woman, and it's important for you to feel challenged and creative in most things you do. That's what makes any relationship an adventure.

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=girlfriendogt&c=50652

I was nauseous and tingly all over. . . .
I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Woody Allen

Queen like

2008-04-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

"Beautiful weather isn't it?"
Maybe I'll go shoe shopping.
This is going to be a long day.

SPCH105

2008-04-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say.
I just read Jilly's blog, I am feeling down.
Down is an understatement I think...
Someone give me a sunflower or a big hug.. or another chance at my final speech.

Untitled

2008-04-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

I write this post entirely as my internal monologue dictates...
I am actually lost for words. wow.
Given my way, I'd write a mere "You Smell Good" and end this post.
Because the reality is, I really cannot remember when doing nothing felt so damn good.
For that, I somehow allow that space between my thoughts and the keyboard to become close to nonexistent.
Whoever invented the phrase "take it slow and easy" was wrong.
Sometimes fast is the only fun way to go.

Love

2008-04-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

I am feeling super nostalgic after a nice long chat with a friend...
Trying so fucking hard to finish this speech but all I can think of is..

Where the fuck are you la?

Where is that love every single one of us are supposed to have at least once.. Some of us are lucky, it comes once and twice and sometimes more.

I am looking for you.

Where the fuck are you hiding?

Do I already know you?

I am tired la, fucking come and sweep me off my feet..

Spoil me while you're at it will you?

WRITERS BLOCK FUCKERAMA SIAL I NEED TO FINISH MY FINAL SPEECH BUT INSTEAD I FIND MYSELF

BLOGGING

This one cuts deep

2008-04-14T22:19:00.000-07:00

Our conversations.. Our relationship.. Our love.. Is too implicit a structure to understand.
The underlying themes and complexity of things is very hard to digest.

Sometimes when I talk to you I open my mouth, the words fly right out in silent consonants. And in that silence I bare my soul, my darkest secret:

I don't know how I am going to do this.

When you caress my face the words disappear... I don't say it. But it's there. Imprinted in my mind... I can feel the warmth lingering, toying with my heart.
But frustrating how words fail me and all I can conjure is a mere smile.
Anyway, I am sure even if I tried..
I would not and could not do justice to these thoughts in my head.

Give me some time to reconstruct symbolism and somehow create a language worthy enough to express how I love you.

Yes, I love you like fuck.

That's as close as I can get, I fucking love you so much.
If you don't already know it, then you're not the person this post is dedicated to.

I like this bumper sticker :)

Supercat!

2008-04-05T04:35:00.000-07:00

I have a tiger who thinks he can fly.

Comel.

Dancing alone

2008-04-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

Singlehood isn't as fun as everyone claims it to be.

I am convinced that the whole fun-ness theory of being single was created merely to make single people less suicidal.

Blind faith I'd say.

I mean, fuck, which part of having no one to celebrate the good things in life with is fun?

I remember getting called by ESPN and having Keith say "I'll see you on Wednesday then Beth". I remember scrolling through my phonebook wondering who to call.
Who'd care?
I ended up messaging my loved ones but yeah.

It didn't feel good.
That few minutes of realisation that no one cared the way He cared.

I am tired of dancing all alone.
Call me, pretend you care.

Smile bitch

2008-04-02T17:31:00.001-07:00

*dunno who's jacket we were using, but it was freezing cold!*

First day at ESPN was so awesome!
Awesome.
Awesome.
Awesome.
Lots to do today! I'm gonna go google if Jeevan is married now.
I swear he has the hottest voice ever.
ESPN is oozing with talent and all things good ..
What an awesome day.

Go on

2008-03-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

Do I have to loose everything just to find you?

There is no word created for how I feel right now

2008-03-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

I am having a great day.

REALLY.

First and foremost, you are looking at the new intern for :

It's a mix of a million different feelings for me right now.

At this very second I am feeling..

Grateful.

Blessed.

Happy.

Estatic.

Lucky.

Emotional?

See the thing is, I never wanted something so bad.

I never usually do because well... next to loneliness, dissapointment is in fact my greatest fear.

But it worked out.

I guess that saying, "some things are too good to be true" does not apply here.

I am not expecting this to be an easy ride but frankly, I don't care.

The good things in life has to be earned :)

***

I am a proud owner of a kitten! :) He's (i think it's a he) well, adorable!
This is tiger...

See the funky wild cat design ?

Tiger spent all day sleeping on my lap.

Comelness kan?

But bathing him was a bloody nightmare la.

I spent 1 whole hour bathing him.

Out of that 1 hour, 40 minutes I spent chasing him around.

Madness I tell you.

Yah, more sweat dripping!

No, I am not asking you to stare at my tits.

See the sweat dripping from every pore in my body?

That's the result of bathing the brat!

This is tiger, squeaky clean!

All these things in my head...

2008-03-29T05:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all you've done

I've missed you for so long,I can't believe your gone

You still live in me,

I feel you in the wind,

You guide me constantly

I never knew what it was to be alone no,

Because you were always their for me,

You were always waiting.

Now I come home and I miss your face so,

Smiling down on me,

I close my eyes to see and I know

You're a part of me, and its your song

That sets me free

I sing it wild

I feel I cant hold on

I sing tonight

Because it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you,

In loving memory of,

The one that was so true

You were as kind as you could be,

And even though you're gone,

You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone no,

Because you were always their for me,

You were always waiting.

But now I come home and its not the same no,

Feels empty and alone,

I can't believe you're gone

And I know

You're a part of me, and its your song

That sets me free

I sing it wild

I feel I cant hold on

I sing tonight

Because it comforts me

I'm glad it set you free from sorrow,

I'll still love you more tomorrow,

And you'll be here with me still.

All you did, you did with feeling,

And you always found the meaning,

And you always will,

And you always will.

And I know,

You're a part of me, and its your song

That sets me free

I sing it wild

I feel I cant hold on

I sing tonight

Because it comforts me

***

I'm listening to In Loving Memory now.

You like this song :)

I miss you.

I miss how you used to kiss my forehead.

I miss how you'd play with my fingers.

I miss how you used to love me.

Pick up the phone and call me

2008-03-28T20:41:00.001-07:00

I'm waiting for you.
Call me.

Awake

2008-03-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

5am and I am still awake.
I should be in bed sial. Fuck.

Beth is in a funky mood

2008-03-24T03:58:00.000-07:00

Mmm.. I came across this retarded "problem" in one of those.. Ask-the-expert sites..
I actually thought it was quite funny.
(I am in a bitchy i-want-to-laugh-in-your-face-and-tell-you-you're-stupid mood today)
Well I laughed at her, and the advise given and then thanked my lucky stars I have never had such a thing happen to me :P
Can you bloody imagine being in bed with someone and having them look at you and out of fucking no where tell you "You don't smell la Beth. Really. You don't."
Funnyla.

He constantly reassures me that I don't smell, followed by a "I'm not very sexually experienced in bed".

He's obviously experienced enough to know how to get out of doing what he doesn't want to do. Personally I think he has a lot of experience in that area. His behavior is not good and not normal, but your feelings for him are keeping you from seeing it for what it is. Reassuring a woman that she doesn't smell does not come up in a healthy, loving relationship.

This would be the equivalent of someone writing to George Bush to assure him that he won't try to assassinate him at the conference on Tuesday... then he can also throw in, "besides, I'm not a very experienced marksman."

Now do you think GB and the Secret Service will think - Gee what a nice guy to not assassinate the president? No, they will think there is something very wrong with someone who even thinks such things.

***

On a lighter less bitchy note, I want a baby la. A really cute one. With gorgeous blond hair.
And a button nose. If she's a girl, I'd name her Keisha or Brooke.. . If he's a boy.. Keith?
I want to be a single mother. As in like go to the sperm bank and request the sperm of a really hot blond guy with blue eyes. Save me the heartache of giving my child an incompetent father. Or worst- a man whore for a father.
Lighter note, not so light after all eh.
Much love guys.

: )

2008-03-21T19:33:00.001-07:00

Oh, say hello to my sexy white MNG suit.
*grins*
I did mention I'd post em pix up eh?
And the other sexy beside me is Jillian Grace Toyad.
She likes pretty skirts and when I feel nervous for a speech, I look at her more than anyone else in the room.
Speech is good when you have a bestie sitting in the crowd.
Well in your case Jilly, a bestie and a boyfriend :)

You're right on track.

2008-03-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

You see, the thing is...
I don't know what's wrong with me.
The thing is, I don't quite know why I just fell apart last night.
All of a sudden, this facade of strength that I've put up came crumbing down on me.
But it felt good.
Crying myself to sleep. My mask was off and I actually felt relieved.
It takes a toll. Pretending you're alright.
Pretending like you're sincerely laughing at the stupid jokes when in fact you just want to run out of the room screaming.
I am very good in pretending.
I pretend that I am still Daddys little girl.
Because the truth is, I cannot face the reality of things.
So I pretend.
I pretend like you are not hurting me.
I pretend like I'm fine with being alone.
I pretend like I am used to being disappointed.
But the truth is, I never got the hang of being let down.
I don't know how is it that I'm supposed to be okay with being hurt.

I have lost faith.
In you. In me. In Daddy. In everyone.
Maybe I don't want to hope.
Maybe it will hurt less if I expect you to hurt me.
Maybe you really do want to hurt me.

I don't know if or how I will get through this.

I turned to you yesterday and you let me down.
Again.

***

I am slowly starting to forget why I ever did love you.
Maybe that's what you want.
Well if it is what you want, obviously you're right on track.

Mental Spring-Cleaning

2008-03-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I should get over and done with my long overdue mental spring cleaning.
Yesterday, I spent my evening searching for a couple of books to kick-start my new decision (and to keep me so muthafucken busy that I'd have no time for anything else)
I ended up walking out of MPH with...

I am thinking of enrolling in French class or something. I'll see how that goes.
Maybe being single isn't going to be so bad after all.
No, let me rephrase that.
Being alone isn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.
Eventually, I won't need you anymore.

I cannot wait to know what happened to my ESPN internship application.
I have an interview tomorrow with and advertising company.
I'm supposed to bring three items that define me. (that should be interesting)
Min Ern and I joked about how we should bring a condom and say "I'm a very safe person".
Hahaha. Yes, Jillys boyfriend is a tad bit gone (like me) :)

Yesterday was an interesting day in so many ways.
Well speech class was fun as always. We were made to fill up a list of one word titles at the bigining of our class and to our horror, it was actually impromptu speech titles..
When I was chosen, I chose Min Ern and he in return chose Lulu.
The first bloody thing I said was "OMG! I hope I dont get the sex as a topic".
And all of a sudden, our little.. itch to write the topic sex didn't seem so smart anymore. Who would have thought we'd be the chosen ones? I'm not entirely sure why we didn't see this coming.
Anyways, I said alot of weird things in front of class for my 2 minute speech on the given title "Ghost".
Jesus. I recall saying something along the lines of "I'm afraid of being possessed by a ghost.. I mean.. I don't know what it would make me do while its in my body. Or worst.. What it'd do to my body!"
Hahaha. I don't know what on earth was I thinking of but obviously I wasn't really thinking.

My optimism is back guys.
I'm feeling hopeful again.
Tomorrow is going to be a better day because I just know it's going to be.
Because I want it to be?

I like it when he holds my hand.
His tiny fingers wrapped around mine makes me smile every time I see this picture.
:)

Long time coming

2008-03-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'd say that this was a long time coming for me.
Maybe I needed an excuse.
No, I needed an excuse ...
This isn't a good day at all. So much for the beautiful sunshine at smiled at me this morning.
Maybe it was an awakening.

Bestfriend why don't you come back home?

2008-03-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

I want to run back like a lost hungry puppy.
But every time I do, you make me wish I never did.

Maybe it's your way of getting over me.
Maybe you really don't want me in your life.

But it hurts more than it's supposed to..
I loved you with every ounce of my being.
You were my boyfriend..
You made me feel gorgeous and perfect and loved.
No, you were more than that.
I am not sure what is the word I am looking for...
Bestfriend? Yes. You were my bestie.
I've lost my boyfriend and bestfriend and I don't know what else to do.

I remember your mouth,
what it said,
how it kissed me,
How it whispered,
not like anyone else
And I remember your feet,
I saw them dance to the new beat
And When I asked you to,
they walked a mile in my shoes.

We were best friends,
more than best friends
That's too little again...

I remember your hands,
I heard them clap for my own chord
Felt them pull me back,
As I tried to break loose
And I remember your eyes,
How they saw right through me
And how that made me feel..
so sick and bored with myself.

We were best friends,
more than best friends
That's too little again
We were best friends,
more than best friends
thats too little again,

now I know that I loved him
and I wish I had told him
but i was too slow it was already over
yeah i was too slow it was already over.

Oxygen

2008-03-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

Colbie Caillat, Oxygen

I came apart inside a world
Made of angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I fell over
My feet like bricks under water
And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen

Oh baby, if I was your lady
I will make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I would be your lady
I am going crazy...for you

And so I found a state of mind
Where I could be speechless
I had to try it for a while
To figure out this feeling
This felt so right
Pull me upside
Down to a place where you've been waiting
And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen

Oh baby, if I was your lady
I will make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I would be your lady
I am going crazy...for you

And you don't wanna keep me waiting
Staring at my fingers
Feeling like a fool

Oh baby, I would be your lady
I would make you happy
I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I would be your lady
I am going crazy
Yeah oh woah oh oh

Tell me what you want
Baby tell me what you need
Anything I ask, baby give it to me
Baby give it to me, give it to me

I came apart inside a world
Made of angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile

***

Sometimes I think, I am merely a punching bag to you.
"Sorry" just doesn't cut it anymore.

Take this sinking boat and point it home (you’ve still got time)

2008-03-13T01:43:00.000-07:00

See the thing is, I don’t quite understand why you seem to feel the need to make it seem like everything is alright. Like it’s going to work out. Like you still love her.
Okay, maybe you do love her.
But why give false hope?
Maybe I am a bit bitter about this because of past experience.
No doubt, those few guys that never saw the need to sugar-coat things when it came to matters of the heart.. Scarred me for life.

But the thing is, these guys are the reason I’m so strong now.
They told it the way it is. They saw no need to make life seem like a bed of roses.
Because the fact remains that it is really nothing like a bed of roses.
If they did however paint a bloody pretty picture for me, I would have fucking fell apart at the first heartbreak and I wouldn’t be sitting here smiling despite having to crawl out a 1 year relationship and face the reality of the post-break up madness. Fuck. I’m still crawling out! But the point is, I’m okay.

Now, why the hell are you trying to protect her from the truth?
The truth is, she’s there. You’re here. It isn’t going to work.
You bloody said it. Now the question is mister, what are you really afraid of?
Facing the truth?
Maybe you’re protecting yourself and you’re using her as an excuse.
Maybe you’re not as strong as you thought you were.
Maybe it’s time you face reality.

I want to have to be that person to tell you this because the truth is, it really did hurt when Mahen told me he still loved her.
The truth is, it hurt like fuck when Suresh got married.
The truth is, it hurt so bad when I couldn’t work things out with Hasbee.
It hurt even more when I realised, I cannot replace them.
There is a part of me that’s always going to be hollow.
But this is the reality of things.
The truth hurts.

Maybe that’s why I don’t want to be that person to tell you things just the way they are.
Because the truth is, I couldn’t allow someone else feel even an ounce of the pain I felt when I realised that it’s never going to be the same again.
That it wasn’t meant to be.
That it’s going to hurt for months, years, before you mend your broken heart.